Concerning objectivity I really would have liked to cite a story about jury duty but unfortunately I have never been forced into a case yet. This ongoing dispute will have to suffice. It’s currently ongoing also so I’ll see how it pans out eventually outside of this blog. It’s between some very colorful characters. One’s an autogynephiliac and another one is a high functioning autistic. In the middle of the conflict is our very disturbed ADD/PTSD man who craves attention. My friends knew the guy and he was part of our posse. I was not aware of it but those three were close outside the posse and for the ones who knew ADD/PTSD man the most, eventually ran into problems with him. ADD/PTSD man is very insecure and actually constantly had done tests of loyalty to them over the course of three years. This would include lying about a trespass against him and demanding an apology. This eventually caused a rift in friendship with them after the autogynephiliac and the autistic got tired of it. Currently I’m being harassed over the internet by these three, demanding I take a side. That’s the dilemma. Not only I’m extremely disappointed over their behavior but I’m being forced to take action. I could declare no involvement but am unsure of the side-effects. Could I experience alienation of the rest of the group or the three troubled people I know? It’s something I’m still deciding upon but somehow I’ve discovered the perfect in-between. I’ve established an equilibrium of sorts that allows me to view the conflict from a safe distance.
So here I am watching three sides go at it. Over channels I carry what they think of each other. Although there’s many shoot the messenger moments. I feel I’m doing pretty well as a relay station between the conflicted parties. I feel inclined to mediate since by themselves they are very decent people despite their problems. I find it immature that this is the way they communicate now but it’s better than nothing. Many other sides say I should not get involved, “it is not my business” they say. In many cases they are right. Speaking with ADD/PTSD man can be emotionally draining. I hope I’m wrong on this one but the Desiderata poem by Max Ehrmann says, despite being all about compassion to “Avoid loud and aggressive persons, they are vexatious to the spirit.” I cannot recall where in Erich Fromm Art of Loving is but there exists a similar statement that refers to “poisonous influences.” I do not agree to completely avoid needy people but to lend them a sympathetic ear while respecting your own space can still be very productive. The Desiderata is not an unsympathetic poem, it’s religious side is small compared to its practical side, and encourages that even the ignorant and troubled must be allowed to have a voice.
For the lesson I learned of this situation? I suppose it’s impossible to make everyone happy at the same time. The one piece of solace is that you must find your place in which you cannot be harmed from further conflict but at the same time able to help. The internet is a great thing in that you can lend advice without having to hike over to the person’s home and do face to face time. I’m currently playing the latest of the Fallout series, New Vegas and the game is a constant exercise in objectivity. Sure you’re free to do whatever you want in the world (arson, murder, jaywalking) but the game’s main appeal is the emphasis on learning where everybody is coming from. Once you decide to know a character instead of shooting them you’ll never want to use violence ever again. Of course what I meant by the exercise in objectivity is that they’re all after each other while you’re trying to be friends with them! You miss out when you do not listen.
Hey Terence! I feel for you in your situation! I too have sound myself in the middle of a conflict between friends and loved ones. There really is no right or wrong way to deal with it. I like your objective stance and trying to keep your comments and interactions confined to the internet are a good and safe idea. This will provide you an opportunity to shield yourself from getting sucked up into the passion of the argument. When you are right there in the moment people can get caught up in a heated debate and that makes it even harder to be objective!
ReplyDeleteDo you think that if you were forced to deal with their situation face to face that you would be able to practice objectivity? I have found that it can be hard but very possible.
The situation that you are currently in is one in which there may never be the right answer. It often seems as if you may have to choose the lesser of the evils and take some collateral damage on your part. I have too, been in this type of situation and often felt as I should take a stand, even if I may lose a friendship or a relationship. However, it is easier said than done, but if you use your objective mind and reason you will be able to talk to both parties and help them see the logic. Usually if you can explain your reasoning in a receptive manner both parties will be able to see where they were wrong and were they were right. In this particular case, the main life saver maybe in the DELIVERY of your objectivity, to all of the parties. You are the common link, and now as Fromm states, take responsibility in your part, you can do wonders in this situation. You can unite the parties, and enable them to also utilize objectivity to help reason through future conflict. I realize that the easy thing is to do nothing, but ultimately that may lead to further alienation.
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